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X-Factor — and brace yourselves now — is an ENTERTAINMENT show.  It has not nor never will be a TALENT show.  Simon Cowell cares less about how many records the X-Factor win sells than he does how many people watch X-Factor.  This is why he wants the aforementioned gurning idiots in his show, and this is why, last week, he handed them a lifeline.  They’ll tell you it’s a talent show, but last week pretty much proves it isn’t.

Cowell isn’t stupid.  He knows that people talking about X-Factor — be it good or bad — makes people watch X-Factor.  Front page headlines expressing outrage at Jedward (as I believe it’s cool to refer to them collectively) still being in the competition at the expense of a far superior singer and performer — the quite lovely Lucie Jones — can only be a good thing.  He doesn’t care if the public hate him for effectively keeping Jedward in the competition, if the haters keep watching his show.

Lovely Lucie Jones

The phrase “they’re so bad they’re good” has never rung truer.  Last night I almost cried with laughter when one of Jedward (I really don’t care which) tripped over as they burst through a paper screen at the start of their song.  And for once I thought they weren’t bad.  They weren’t especially good, but they weren’t especially bad.  They were, arguably, the highlight of the show.  

The other acts aren’t that great, and none of them are truly entertaining (arguably Olly aside).  That Sting last week referred to the stars of X-Factor as karaoke singers was something of a compliment.  Karaoke singers try to sing along to the actual song — our X-Factor ‘stars’ seem to have the song dropped a key or two to fit their range/not show up the fact that they’re not fit to lace the boots of the original artist.  Comparing the X-Factor finalists to Freddie Mercury (arguably the greatest singer of all time) would be unfair, but it was embarrassing to hear Danyl last night start singing ‘We Are The Champions’ what seemed like an octave below the original version.  It’s not just him — they’re all the same, all a bit samey.

Which is why Jedward are such a breath of fresh air in a show — and an industry — that seems to take itself too seriously, at least externally.  I do think Cowell’s insistence that he “did the right thing” last week by passing up the chance to dump Jedward out of the competition and instead referring to the public vote, is bordering on insulting to the audience.  But to let the façade slip would take away half the fun.  It’s a bit like WWE wrestling.  We all know it’s fake, we all know it’s shit, but somehow it’s entertaining to see people making idiots of themselves.

WWE: a grown man making an idiot of himself, brother

For every person who hates Jedward there’s a person who loves them, and therein lies the beauty of the voting process.  Let’s take Big Brother as an example.  If you hate a housemate you have the chance to vote to evict them.  Not so with X-Factor.  If you hate Jedward the only way to *evict* them would be to vote for every single one of the other acts.  If you’re really that bothered about booting Jedward out of the competition then it’s more money for Cowell.  The other great thing about the way the show works is that the judges always retain control of who goes and who stays.  And it’s Cowell’s show at the end of the day.  It means that a million people a week vote, but the judges ultimately decide who goes out of the competition.

So if you’re a member of one of these GET JEDWARD OFF X-FACTOR groups on facebook, then I think you’re an idiot.  You’re an idiot because you’ve missed the point.  It’s an entertainment show, and Jedward are, if nothing else, entertaining.  X-Factor is at worst, a modern-day human freak show.  Let’s laugh at the poor, deluded idiots who whore themselves out before the nation for a feeble shot at stardom.  It’s cruel, but it seems somehow acceptable to wheel out these idiots to make twats of themselves on stage.  It’s — as I said — entertainment.

So tonight, at the risk of looking very foolish indeed (because chances are by the team you read this someone — perhaps Jedward — will have been kicked off the show), I will be sitting, hoping Jedward get through.  They won’t win it, but I hope they’re dancing around out of time and singing out of tune for a few weeks yet.  And after all my ranting, maybe I’m the idiot.  I just voted for them.  GO JEDWARD. 

And, FYI, Lloyd should go this week, not least for admitting last night; “I’d never heard of Queen to be honest.”  I mean, FFS.

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