As described previously, this is a piece of coursework I did for my English A-Level in 1998 aged 17 and a bit.  I have copied it out exactly as it was, resisting the urge to edit out errors or just cut bits that now seemed either very un-funny and/or hideously dated.  But anyway, here it is.

ARSA

The Very Best of

 

It all started on a rainy afternoon somewhere in Sweden.  Local club pianist, Sven Eaversson, working seven nights a week in two different clubs in return for a loaf of bread and a mug of schnapps, had the idea of auditioning for a new lead singer after his previous lead singer lost his vocal chords in a poker game.  After sitting through what he described as “the most tedious four hours of my life,” Sven found what he had been looking for.  “This guy is my voice!” he cried, and they arranged to perform together the following week.  Two days later, Sven’s new partner died in a car accident, his bloody remains strewn across one of Sweden’s notoriously hazardous autoroutes, and it was another 18 months before Sven met Ralph Igostenschtad in the queue for the local Genito-Urinary Clinic.  The two hit it off immediately, and before long were writing and performing their own songs in the nearby town of Kristiansund.  Particularly popular with English tourists, they gained local recognition for songs such as “Genital Warts No More” and “Unusual Growth.”  Unfortunately there are no recordings of these songs.

            After performing one cold winter’s night, Sven and Ralph were approach by two young girls, named Agnita and Anneka, who, after a short performance, joined the group as singers.  Ralph said it might work if they wore tight clothes and “jigged their arses about a bit.”  Ralph and Sven realised that their style of music would have to change, and they began to develop a softer, more melodic style of sound.

            In their first performance together, they were booed off stage by hordes of drunken holidaymakers who were expecting lively renditions of their earlier work.  One member of that crowd, however, saw their immense potential and offered them, there and then, a three album deal worth in the region of £200.  Sven was reluctant at first, but thankfully, the deal was sealed.

            The band got their heads together to think of a name, as they had previously performed as Sven, Ralph, Anneka and Agnita, and thought that they needed something a little more catchy.  And so, by taking the first letter from each of their first names, ARSA were born.  The idea was later adopted by another popular Swedish band, a subject about which the members of ARSA remain particularly bitter.

            Three weeks later, ARSA’s debut single, “BOOM! I Love You,” hit number 18 in the Swedish charts and was followed by “Can I Love You Too Much?” which stayed at number two for six weeks in the summer of 1970.  Their debut album, “Ding Dong,” was a phenomenal success in Sweden, and when released throughout Europe, topped the charts in every country with the exception of West Germany, where the top spot was denied them by Wagner.  Most importantly, they reached number 1 in Britain, where they began to develop a massive fan base.  The third single from the album, entitled “Song 3,” didn’t do quite so well, reaching number 34 in Britain and number eight in Sweden.

            Written off by many as mere one hit wonders, they returned at the start of 1972 with their platinum selling album “Hastings.”  The title track from the album, comparing a romance to the famous battle, hit the top five in Britain, and the next two singles, “Lightening Struck Twice,” and “You’re Lovely,” also made the British top ten.

            In 1973, ARSA were fortunate enough to have one of their songs chosen by a panel of experts to represent Sweden in the Eurovision Song Contest of that year.  Their song, “Cor, Blimey!” came a very respectable third, but more importantly, gave them a great deal of publicity.  The group turned down an immediate offer to perform in the contest the following year.  Sven said at the time, “No one else will ever make it big because of the Eurovision Song Contest Ever Again.  Ever.”

            Shortly after, Sven and Anneka announced that they had married, in private, during the summer of ’73, and Anneka was expecting twins.  Sven promised he would name the twins after the other band members.  So, in December 1973, Anneka gave birth to Agnita and Ralph Eaversson.  Unfortunately they were twin boys.

            Work began on the next album and in 1974 it was released, simply entitled “ARSA.”  Hit singles from the album included “Dancer Boy,” “The Winner Loses All,” and “Loving Him, Loving You,” which was widely regarded as a song about bigamy, an accusation the band vehemently deny.  It was clear from this album that ARSA’s style of music had changed, and this was further reinforced in ’75 with the release of their album “The Coming,” which included the songs, “Sex In My Car,” and “You’ll Go Blind If You Don’t Stop,” which many interpreted to be a song about masturbation.  No member of ARSA ever denied this, as it was plain to see from the lyrics — “You’ll go blind if you don’t stop / They’re gonna have to come and give you the chop / Your hairy palms and your poor eyesight / Tells us what you do every night.”

            ARSA were, at this time, second only to Volvo as Sweden’s biggest export earners, and their next single, “If I’m Dead Tomorrow Morning,” was a global smash hit, topping the charts in no less than thirty-one countries.  The song was bursting with powerful, emotive lyrics, and contained what was voted ‘The best ever guitar solo in a song’ by readers of Q magazine.  Ralph and Sven’s song writing had hit new heights, and they continued in this vein with their 1976 album, “The Album” which sold over 30 million units in Sweden alone, almost twice the population.  The album provided ARSA with three number ones and a number four, the most successful of which being “Juicy Lucy,” and “What’s The Point In Living Anymore?”  Early the following year, ARSA released what Sven admitted he and Ralph had written whilst stoned; their rather disappointing album “Achete Moi.”  Their singles, however, did better than ever, scoring number ones with “I Got Away With Murder,” “I’ve Got A Purple Dog,” and “Blurry Eyes.”

            In October 1977, Anneka found Sven in bed with Agnita, and filed for divorce.  Not ones to let feelings get in the way, they continued to work together, although tensions were visibly fraying.  On ‘The Wogan Show’ in November, Anneka poured a jug of water over her ex-husband and swore several times before leaving the stage.  Agnita appeared to be drunk, whereas Ralph seemed content just to sit and scratch himself.

            The group started a world tour in February ’78, and performed superbly throughout Europe and America, until they arrived on stage in Shanghai.  The band were bombarded by a hail of plastic bottles thrown by the crowd as they took to the stage.  “Do you wanna Rock ‘n’ Roll or throw shit?” Sven asked.  The audience almost unanimously replied, “Throw Shit.”

            It was another two years before ARSA finally released their eagerly anticipated seventh album, “Pooper Scooper.”  At the press conference announcing the release of the album, Sven announced that he and Anneka had re-married, and that their children had been taken out of care.  The album hit number 2 in Britain, and the singles from the album, “Did You Tell Your Dad?” “Have A Gamble,” and “I Want, I Want, I Want,” all peaked in the British top five.

            ARSA’s world-wide audience were losing interest, so Sven and Ralph set themselves the target of “Re-inventing music as we know it,” and in March ’81, they released the single, “Drugs and Beer,” which made the British top ten for a solitary week.  “I’ll Kill You If You Touch Me Again,” hit UK:16, and although the album “The Guests,” made the top of the British Album Chart, their next two singles, “Wank Me Off,” and “Fuck You All” failed horribly, only just making the Top 40.

            Three weeks later, Sven and Ralph were seen entering a Soho strip club, and at the end of the night were photographed leaving Stringfellows’ night club, making rude hand signals.  Sven assaulted two photographers and a bouncer, while Ralph vomited in Peter Stringfellows’ hair.  “I thought it was a dog,” was his defence in court.  They were both charged with assault, being drunk and disorderly, and vomiting with intent.  Sven was also banned from driving for three years, after stealing a taxi and attempting to drive home — even though he couldn’t stand up properly.

            After serving their jail sentences, Sven and Ralph set off writing their ‘make or break’ album.  They released a single, “Tradesman’s Entrance,” which ARSA clearly stated was not a song about anal sex, which peaked in Britain at number 79.  Their record company refused to pay for the production of their proposed album, which had the working title “Brown Eye,” and thus it was never released.

            The band stopped performing together after this, and Sven and Anneka divorced in 1985.  Sven then married Agnita in 1986, only to divorce her the following year and re-marry Anneka.  Sven and Ralph performed together in the clubs in Kristiansund for a while, before Sven lost a finger when he was mauled by a tiger at the zoo, and could no longer play the piano.

            In 1990, “ARSA Live” was released, and shot to number one all over the world.  The band contemplated cutting a brand new album, but realised they were making more money sitting at home from the royalties of their many hits, than they ever did performing.

            Almost certainly the band who inspired ABBA, ARSA remain one of Sweden’s biggest export earners to date, just behind IKEA.  Although they took a lawsuit out in 1993 against ABBA for “Copying them, then stealing their thunder,” they are no longer bitter about the obvious similarities between the two groups’ songs, or the fact that they stole the idea for their name from them, or their comments about Ralph’s mother.

            This Limited Edition CD captures ARSA at their very best, in the studio and on stage, and serves up a very satisfying mouthful of Swedish pop indeed.

Gareth Goodall, 1998

Shortly after the compilation of this Limited Edition double CD, Ralph Igostenschtad fell off a bucking horse at an indoor Rodeo.  He went outside to “re-align his spine,” and was never seen again.

This CD is dedicated to his memory.  Although, strictly speaking, he may still be out there.

RALPH BENNY BJORN IGOSTENSCHTAD

£500 reward for information leading to the capture of the above.