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This weekend the missus and I attended our ninth and final wedding-related event of 2009.  We drove to a lovely picturesque part of the country known as “up north,” for the wedding reception of a very good mate of mine, Richard Cleaver — more commonly known simply as Cleave.  He’s the only person I know with his own theme tune: “Cleaver Las Vegas” sung to the tune of a well known Elvis song of a similar title.

Cleave and I have spent many, many drunken evenings together.  He is by far the biggest drinker I’ve ever met, and he’s especially fond of Guinness.  I’ve seen him drink two gallons of the stuff and barely be affected.  He once called me on his way home from the pub (he may have been driving but let’s pretend I didn’t say that).  I asked how much he’d had to drink.  He said he couldn’t remember, but he had six Guinness hats, and you got a free hat with every three pints.

from left to right: me, Cleave, Sages, and Ranny Ranny Ranny Don't Drift On Me Ranny, with the World's Biggest Pencil (sadly obscured), circa 2001

This brings me onto the in-no-way-exaggerated Best Thing I’ve Ever Seen.  It was Christmas Eve, probably 2001.  We were in a bar, and we were already fairly well-oiled.  Cleave and his brother ordered a Fish Bowl from the bar (literally, a fish bowl filled with alcohol).  I’m not sure exactly what was in it but I remember the bar staff pouring in — amongst other things — a bottle of white wine, four bottle of orange Reef and a few shots of vodka.  The bowl was passed around for us all to have a sip, and when it found its way to Cleave he nonchalantly discarded the straws everyone else had been drinking from, put the Fish Bowl to his lips and started drinking.  Within a few seconds the whole bar was watching as Cleave drank the first half of the contents of the bowl without fuss.  He paused for a moment, the bowl still to his lips.  He looked to be struggling.  Surely even Cleave couldn’t finish the whole thing.  Surely not.

Suddenly everyone started chanting his name.  Cleave got a second wind, and in one inhuman effort he polished off the rest of the contents of the Fish Bowl.  The place erupted.  It was awesome, it was unbelievable.  It was not — however — The Best Thing I’ve Ever Seen.  It was only part of it.  The best was to come.

Cleave put the empty Fish Bowl down on the table and just stood there.  Everything stopped.  Everyone stared at him.  He stifled a burp.  His cheeks puffed off.  Sensing danger, I took a step back.  Cleave put his hand over his mouth.  And then it came.  A great big tsunami of vomit.  The hand pressed tightly over his mouth served to spray the contents of Cleave’s stomach left and right in two jets, one of which I saw, in slow motion, coming towards me.  I was maybe three yards away and just managed to dodge the stream of watery, orange vomit that flew past my left shoulder.  The first wave of spew subsided, quickly followed by the second, as Cleave spluttered like an old engine.  This time a jet of sick flew past my right shoulder.  I turned around to see a young chap sitting at a table — fully five yards away from Cleave — being showered with vomit.  He just sat there like a stooge in a gangster film being machine-gunned to death as vomit hit him square in the chest for about ten seconds.  This was The Best Thing I’ve Ever Seen.

From Cleave downing the Fish Bowl to the Little Britain-esque projectile vomit completely ruining some poor chap’s Christmas Eve, it was a truly epic moment and I will never ever ever tire of telling that story.

And on a slightly less vomit-related note, in honour of Cleaver Las Vegas I had Elvis on random as I drove up north, and hereby present my top five favourite Elvis Presley tracks (in no order): 

• Anything That’s Part Of You
• Kentucky Rain
• Just Pretend
• Burning Love
• Are You Lonesome Tonight? [Laughing version]

In other news I went for a run, had some McDonalds, got drunk.  The usual.

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