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Believe me, honestly, the last thing I want to do is crap on about my holiday to Goa, especially as it’s all cold and icy and snowy outside, and I’m still all tanned and sexy* but allow me the chance to talk about driving abroad. 

*not actually true, nor never has been 

We were advised by our holiday rep — a lovely chap called Steve from Peterborough, FYI — not to hire cars or mopeds in Goa.  Truth be told we’d come to this conclusion ourselves before leaving the airport car park.  

Towards the end of the holiday we met a chap on a trip to the jungle who’d chosen not to heed this advice, and had spent the previous evening in a local hospital having seven stitches inserted into his forehead after an incident involving his moped and a Jeep not looking before pulling out into the road.  He, unlike me, hadn’t paid sufficient attention and worked out the few very important rules of driving in Goa.  I’ll share them with you, should you ever need them in future.  It’s quite simple really. 

   

The rules of driving in Goa 

1)      The first rule of driving in Goa is there are no rules. 

2)      The second rule of driving in Goa is:  There.  Are.  No.  Rules. 

3)      If you see a gap, drive into it before someone else does. 

4)      Might is right.  If something’s bigger than you, get out of the way because you’ll probably come off second best in the event of a collision. 

5)      Try not to hit anything that might wander into the road, e.g. people, elephants, dogs, chickens or pigs.  Don’t worry about other vehicles so much.  Definitely don’t worry about mopeds.  In fact, pretend they’re not even there.  Unless they look like Westerners in which case try and give them a bit of a nudge, just to let them know you’re not going to take any shit. 

6)      Definitely don’t hit cows.  If you hit a cow you are fucked. 

7)      Really, seriously, don’t even go near cows.  This is the exception to rule 4. 

8)      Road signs don’t mean anything.  We just put them there for a laugh. 

9)      If you want to turn right in fifty-or-so yard’s time and you think it will be easier to just drive on the wrong side of the road until you get there, just flash your lights at the oncoming traffic.  Then it’s up to them to slam their brakes on or swerve into some trees to avoid you. 

10)  Four people on a moped is perfectly safe. 

 

11)  Wearing a helmet whilst riding a moped is gay, unless you’re driving and your wife is riding pillion.  In this case wearing a helmet while your wife clings for dear life on the back of the moped with no helmet on is a clear public display of who is in charge in your relationship.  If your wife is also holding on to a large sheet of plywood, a tree trunk or several children this adds to your blatant masculinity. 

12)  Your horn is your best friend and can be used to communicate a wide range of intentions and instructions to fellow maniacs.  For example: 

• I want to overtake you.  Shift over a bit.
• I want to overtake you on this uphill blind corner — please wave your hand dismissively out of the window unless you can see any reason at all why this might be a bad idea.
• I’m driving round a corner on the wrong side of the road because it’s quicker, so please get out of the way if you happen to be coming in the other direction. 
• I’m driving round a corner! 
• You just pulled out in front of me, and yet I’m driving a bigger car than you.  Prick. 
• Hmmm, a traffic jam.  Looks like I might just need to sit patiently for a few seconds.  Fuck that. 
• Sorry my bus seem to be on the wrong side of the road but I’m trying to overtake another bus that’s try to overtake a moped that’s swerving to avoid a cow.  Shift over a bit so we don’t, you know, die. 
• Shi-i-i-i-it.  That was close. 
• I like driving!

 13)  Don’t even joke about hitting a cow. 

If you follow these simple rules you shouldn’t have any problems at all. 

Oh, and we haven’t had a Top Five for a while, so here’s my Top Five Favourite Christmas Songs (in no order): 

• Santa Claus Is Coming To Town (Jackson Five) 

• Santa Claus Is Coming To Town (Bruce Springsteen)

• All I Want For Christmas Is You (Mariah Carey)

• Bigamy At Christmas (Tony Ferrino)

• Have Yourself A Bitter Little Christmas (David Ford)

  

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