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It’s doubtful Jordan read my last blog in which I asked her to go away, but she seemed to pretty much do as I asked, as she apparently spat her dummy out last night, refused to do another bush tucker trial (fucking lightweight) and promptly fucked off home.  On that note, and at the risk of this blog turning into a reality TV rant, please allow me one last X-Factor post, in which I’ll make more amazingly accurate predictions.

Last night I wiped away the tears as loveable, talentless goons Jon & Edward were finally eliminated from the X-Factor singing contest/talent contest/entertainment show/freak show (delete based on opinion).  In the immediate aftermath of their elimination, I saw a smile spread across one of their gormless faces.  Their relief was palpable.  No longer would they have to stumble around on stage looking confused to a chorus of boos and jeers (not until the X-Factor Live Tour 2010, anyway).  It was as if they thought the pain was finally over.  Well, sorry boys, but it’s only just beginning.  And here’s what will prove to be an eerily accurate prediction of how I think it will all pan out.

In the week or two after their X-Factor eviction they’ll move from magazine interview to TV interview to magazine interview.  They’ll make a bit of money out of it, too.  They’ll quickly become flavour of the month, touted as the new Ant and Dec.  (Privately, Ant and Dec will rightly find this hugely insulting.)  There will be rumours (entirely fabricated by the tabloids) of them wanting to record and release a novelty Christmas single, but — the papers will claim — their X-Factor contract won’t allow them.  Possible headlines:

 

JEDWARD FURY AT SINGLE BAN

SCARED COWELL VETOES JEDWARD SINGLE

EIGHT DIE IN JEDWARD PROTEST CARNAGE

 

In the first week in December Jedward turn on the Christmas lights in their home town of Lucan, as well as similar appearances in a couple of depressing-sounding places like Ramsgate, Liverpool and Cardiff.  A typically shambolic live medley of their X Factor songs performed live on the 2009 Top Of The Pops Christmas special becomes the most downloaded video in the history of the internet, when one of the brothers falls off stage and breaks his arm.

February 2010 sees Jedward release their debut single, a cover of Sam Fox’s Touch Me, which hits number one in the UK.  The brothers become red-top regulars as they’re photographed leaving various nightclubs in the early hours with high-profile female twosomes like the Cheeky Girls, Samanda and Mel and Martina from Funhouse.

After being the undoubted stars of a hugely successful X-Factor Live Tour, Jedward begin working on their debut album.  The lead single — a duet with Lily Allen titled A Dog With Two Dicks — goes straight to number one, followed a week later by the album.  By the end of 2010 Jedward have completed their own sell-out World Tour and the album Our Dream is already the biggest-seller of all-time.  All fourteen songs from the album are released as singles, and all fourteen hit number one in the UK charts.

2010 also sees Jedward’s first movie, Two 4 One, released to huge critical acclaim.  The film becomes the first to make a gazillion pounds on its opening night, and goes on to single-handedly drag the UK economy out of recession.  Both brothers are given honorary knighthoods in the new year honours list.

The second Jedward album, Who’s Laughing Now, Hey? is another global smash, but with worldwide sales of only forty-five million units, there are fears that the Jedward star is beginning to fade.  After writing Jedward: The Musical — Our Inexorable Rise To Massive Fame And Glory And Riches, the brothers decide to take a showbiz hiatus, moving to California and marrying Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

 

When a two year-old mobile phone video of Jedward ‘roasting’ a female student is sold to a British tabloid, The Olsen Twins file for divorce.  The grainy footage — filmed by the one of Jedward who’s taking her from behind — is found on a Sony Ericsson C902 which one of Jedward send to envirofone in exchange for a thirty pound Argos voucher.  Jedward are barely recognisable in the video until they start singing Oops I Did It Again whilst thrashing around clumsily, high-fiving each other and exclaiming, “We’re just trying our best and having the time of our lives here.”

Jedward return to the UK to find their popularity has nose-dived.  Soon, they find themselves in fifth position on E4’s 100 Thoroughly Detestable Celebrities Show, sandwiched between Gary Glitter and Robert Kilroy Silk (but behind Shirley Bassey).  By the end of 2012, Jedward are stripped of their honorary knighthoods, and flee to Ireland, begging for privacy.

By 2018 the world has completely forgotten there ever lived a musical entity called Jedward, until a chance meeting with Louis Walsh when the smug music manager walks into a Dublin Subway restaurant to be offered jalapenos, gherkins or olives by one of Jedward (the other one is working on the till as he’s a bit more senior.  You know, the slightly less stupid-looking one.  No, I mean, if you look really hard, one looks slightly less stupid than the other.  Trust me.  He’s the one who used to fall about the least whilst ‘dancing’).

Jedward and Louis hit it off together instantly, and begin planning their comeback album, We’re Sorry Please Buy Our Records Again, which is released to a huge fanfare in November 2019, neatly coinciding with the ten year anniversary of the twins’ relentless shitness first being unleashed onto the British public.

A multi-million pound advertising campaign is launched to propel Jedward back into the public consciousness of the world.  At 9pm on November 22^nd 2019, exactly ten years after Dannii Minogue drawled the words, “The act I’m sending home is… Jedward,” images of the twins are simultaneously projected onto various landmarks around the world, with the words JEDWARD ARE BACK! written in whatever language is generally considered to be most prevalent in the country in which the image was being projected.  At once the whole world looks up at the towering image of Jedward (in their Ghostbusters outfit, probably).  They look up, and together, all the people of the world, united in one glorious emotion, merely shrug and carry on with their lives.  The comeback fails.  Louis Walsh, having thrown everything he owned into the Jedward reunion, is ruined.  Fortunately Jedward manage to get him a job being the one who asks what bread you want in Subway before cutting it in half.

THE END

 

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