Jan 23, 2010
The Haiti Charity Single, and Arise, Sir Simon Cowell
At the risk of appearing unpopular, I want you all to boycott the Haiti charity single.
The Haiti earthquake was and continues to be a terrible, awful tragedy, and the people of Haiti need our help. They need our money. What they (and we, the rest of the world) don’t need is a bunch of self-serving, back-slapping celebrity twats cobbling together a half-arsed karaoke version of Everybody Hurts (one of many songs that should be given *listed* status, preventing anyone from ever, ever recording a cover version, under penalty of death). It fucking sickens me, it really does.
If you want to donate money to the Haiti cause, go on the official DEC site.
If this abomination of a single ends up retailing at — let’s say — £1.99, just donate two quid direct to the charity instead. Or £3.99, which is what a single cost in my day. Fuck it; donate a fiver, a tenner. Twenty notes. Do something but please for Christ’s sake don’t do it because Simon Cowell told you to.
Are you going to let this flabby worm tell you what to do? ARE YOU?
If you donate your cash to the Disasters Emergency Committee it will go to those who need it most. The aforementioned £1.99 CD/digital download/whatever you kids call them these days won’t appear out of thin air. I shudder to think what the ‘profit’ on a CD is these days, but I doubt the Haiti appeal will get more than half the price of the CD.
Maybe I’m being overly cynical. Maybe the distribution, the CD press run, the artwork, the materials etc will all be donated for free. But I’m sure in the current economic climate and with the music industry — according to that twat Bono — dying on its arse, no-one’s going to be falling over themselves to be involved for nothing but kudos and publicity (apart from the celebrities, who want to enhance their reputations, because reputation = future record sales).
Record Company Knob: “Hello? Is that Bob’s CD making factory?”
Bob: “It is indeed.”
RCK: “Do you fancy being involved in the new Haiti CD?”
Bob: “Wow, I’d love to! Anything we can do to help.”
RCK: “Excellent. We’d like you to run a few copies of the CD for us, only, you know, it’s for charity so we won’t be paying you for the time, manpower and materials.”
Bob: “Hmmm. Right. Well, how many CDs do you think you’ll need?”
RCK: “We estimate we’ll sell two million copies in the UK.”
Bbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrpppppppppppppppp
Bob Roberts, Managing Director, Bob's CD Making Factory, shortly before hanging up (that's what the Brrrrrrppppp is meant to signify above)
If this is one massive game of Simon Says, then why doesn’t Simon tell us all to just donate some money directly, instead of telling us to buy a single his record company will be producing? Maybe because presumably the former option won’t make him look like a fucking saint, and won’t in the long-term make him a shitload of cash.
I really don’t want to seem bitter about this, but these useless cunts are falling over themselves to sing in this song, and they all just want to look good by being a part of it. I agree that we should be raising awareness and trying to get people to donate, but for fuck’s sake it’s been on the fucking news for over a week now. Anyone who hasn’t grasped that’s something’s kicked off somewhere in the ocean near America must have been living in a fucking cave.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the only way for people to give money to charity is by releasing another sacrilegious cover version of a classic song. Maybe we, the British public, really are that fucking stupid.
What’s wrong with releasing the original version with all proceeds going to Haiti? (Say what you like about REM or Michael Stipe, but fuck me Everybody Hurts is a great song, and part of the reason it’s a great song is Stipe’s haunting vocal.) No glory-seeking celebrities would need to be involved, Simon Cowell wouldn’t get any glory (or a Knighthood, which he’ll now almost certainly get next year, the smug twat) out of it, and there’d be a lot less people making a nice pile of cash out of a global tragedy.
Am I wrong? Tell me if I’m being a jerk here.
In the mean time I need to go and lie down for a while.
.
I see you may have sussed me out… If I offer you the opportunity to play the lead Gutiar on the track would you change your mind about me being a complete Jerk and be a complete sell out?
Simon.
God of Almighty.
Sent from someone else’s email address so as not to give all my details away.
Cripes Simon!
I’d love to help but unfortunately I can’t play nor have never heard of the “gutiar”. Best of luck with the single though, I’m sure it’ll be mega.
Love n hugs
Gaz
Nope, spot on. Completely agree with just re-releasing the original, which is a great song indeed.
Just donated using your site. I won’t be lining Cowell’s pockets any further.
“Gaz”
Many Thanks for pointing out my mistake I may have had a few too many glasses of Vino. I have been handed a sample of your Guitar playing and hastly retract my offer.
I have also rang the President and have asked for your departure from Earth, he assures me it will be done by the end of the day.
Yes I am that powerful.
Simon “God of almighty” Cowell
Simon, you’re not returning my calls. Can I not be involved in this one, to be sure?
Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on.
Your best friend, Lil’ Louis.
PS I’ll wear the jockey outfit.
I think people are less likely to donate without that additional pull on the heart strings- we have tragedy overload with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan- the devastating Tsunami in 2004 and many more..we’re used to seeing horrific images on T.V so we are desensitised to it, so a charity single ain’t such a bad idea as music evokes emotion. If the celebrities did nothing then perhaps we would be more angry.. Its a bit like the controversy that those charity workers that annoy us on the streets actually get paid commission- In the end if it brings in extra funds for the charity then does the means to get it really matter?
Great article I totally agree. How about starting a facebook campaign?
Still can’t help thinking its a good job they chose Everybody Hurts not one of REM’s other songs “Its the End of the World as we know it and I feel fine” The opening line is “Thats great it starts with an earthquake….!!!!”
I hate it when I agree with you but I so often do. I also love that song and the cover will be shite! As you rightly say the song is fairly basic and it’s Stipes voice that makes it. Gareth Gates, Bono, West Life and Mark from ‘Take That’ will I’m sure do their best but ultimately it is destined for shitness.
It is a shame that people have to make money out of something like this. I know it’s not quite the point but let’s be honest, Cowell could have the place sorted in a week or so and it would barely register on his account balance. So why doesn’t he just do that and then FUCK OFF!
Cheers Gaz, keep em coming.
The blogs not Em. Although do keep Em coming, it’s not all about you.
Message from facebook:
Ben Hunter has posted something on your wall:
“Real reason Cowell is doing the the Haiti track! He is after a nighthood! http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/columnists/andrewpierce/6814600/Simon-Cowells-got-real-talent—so-give-him-a-knighthood.html“
Q – Is the bloke on the phone the bloke out of Ghostbusters?? The strange bloke with an Austrian accent who is the evil paintings messanger type person??
No idea mate. I just Googled “man on phone”